Just Yolanda Zondo

While many maintain that it is an act of cowardice, I can not help but feel it was during these moments that I felt certain about what I wanted in life. I wanted it to end. This is my story. The biggest mistake I made was to plan my whole life around someone else. I was with my ex for five years and I had already planned to be with him till death do us apart. Though it now seems like I was alone in that planning. I never took the time to ask myself "Entlek, what does Sindy want?" It was always about "what does Thami* want". I never even asked him to be quite honest. We lived together so I assumed this vat n' sit was going to lead to a ring and a couple of babies. But it didn't, it only led to "I am no longer happy with you Sindy, I have not been happy with you for a very long time".  Crushed and beyond devasted I continued with life. That is what you do right? After the break-up, my canvas was blank I had no idea what I was going to...

I am just going to get into it.  Why do we dwell on pain? Why do we focus on those that we loved but never loved us? Why dwell on disappointment? Hmmm? I spent months crying and days trying to figure out why I was never enough for one person. I questioned my worth, and wondered why no one loves me.     I gave five years of my life to loving a man selflessly. I gave him my all. I spent every single day of our five years together trying to be the best that I can be for him. I dreamed of a future with him. And the day he broke up with me, with the words ‘I am no longer happy in this relationship’, it tore me apart. I looked at myself in the mirror every day and I could not recognise myself. I no longer knew who I was and I struggled so much trying to be someone else, because who I was could not even make a single human being happy. This is what the pain of the heartbreak did to me.   The break up broke me mentally. I could not ex...

"So next year you are going to high school?" asks Tshepo my school walk mate and sometimes mistaken cousin. I nod. I have been walking to school and back home with him since I started at Pioneer Primary. He had been ahead of me, but since he joined this group of boys around my street he has become so reckless - which obviously led to him failing a grade, now I get to leave him in Primary.  I laughed at first. I do pretty much recall the day I warned him. But you know how boys are like, they sometimes think it is all about them. I just hope I never get to think of them in another way. My name is Ntombi, I am 12 years old right now and I never want to have a boyfriend. Every year since I started growing breasts has become a shock. Well now except for Tshepo repeating grade 6; I have discovered that boys might actually become a problem someday. But I cannot let them distract me. My older sisters Plantina and Noma always laugh, and I never seem to understand how they mean wh...

 "Three hundred and twenty four" I said. I tried to force a smile and, an "I do not care look", but there was just something about that high number that sent shivers down my spine. You also looked rather astonished and slightly confused, but maybe that was just me hoping. We were sitting at a Wimpy's restaurant, waiting for my parents to pick me up and your big brother to finish his shift at Woolies across the street. I had told you that I wanted to take you out, which you said seemed rather pushy but you could never say no to food. I saved the little pocket money my daddy gave me every day to try and get you the biggest Wimpy burger they had. You decided to get their famous big Wimpy Burger and an Apple juice, and I got just about the same, but with a chocolate milkshake. I stared at you, chewing ferociously at the burger and, I have to be honest I did not see this  bad monstrous boy    my friend Gordon said you are. Instead, I saw a hungry carefree ...

Even though he annoyed her, she remembers him all too well. When the door opens, the wind blows in with the memory of his smile. She always wonders though, why is it that even after all the bad that he did, she remembers all the good things as though they were happening right now?  All the times he bought her flowers, she wished so much she could keep them forever, more especially the first one he got for her. It was a yellow sunflower in a blue plastic bag, smelling all muddy as though it was stolen from someone’s yard. It was funny and cute, but also the beginning of something great and she felt it. She remembers lying beside him on their first day alone together, no words needed to be said; but there was this feeling of passion surrounding them, and she knew she was meant to be there. Nevertheless, she wishes that she did not remember it all too well. There is nothing sadder in life than lingering on to something that can never be again. All it creates is pain. You ...

I have chosen to lift myself out of this pain and shame of this world. The ancient pain and shame that has taught me that being black is ugly, bad and wrong. I have chosen to look at myself in the mirror and appreciate and love my blackness. By doing so, I have also tried to help others to appreciate their own blackness. However, I have realized I cannot change every black person by myself therefore, I am asking for your help. God, my black people are very angry, and this anger which comes from many years of pain by this world; has led us to view each other as enemies.  We kill each other, steal from each other; and the one that I detest the most, we envy each other. I cannot seem to understand why as black people, we can never be happy for each other. It seems to be easy for us to condone corruptness and taking the easy route. But in all this, we can never stand side by side and honestly help each other. We will watch from afar as another race takes charge and helps our o...