I tried to kill myself but I would not let me die
This is my story.
The biggest mistake I made was to plan my whole life around someone else. I was with my ex for five years and I had already planned to be with him till death do us apart. Though it now seems like I was alone in that planning.
I never took the time to ask myself "Entlek, what does Sindy want?" It was always about "what does Thami* want". I never even asked him to be quite honest. We lived together so I assumed this vat n' sit was going to lead to a ring and a couple of babies. But it didn't, it only led to "I am no longer happy with you Sindy, I have not been happy with you for a very long time".
Crushed and beyond devasted I continued with life. That is what you do right?
After the break-up, my canvas was blank I had no idea what I was going to do the next minute, hour, day, week, month, year, years.... I saw nothing. What did I want? What does Sindy do when she is not with Thami*?
This question always rang heavily in my mind as I realised I had made my ex everything, he was my everything.
I told myself to look at the brighter side. I am now single. "I think I am hot" I often said. I told myself that this was the time to start focusing on my friends and family again, but they somehow made me feel worse, always asking "are you okay?". Of course I was not okay. But they did not stop asking. I rememeber only wanting to curl up in a little ball like a pill bug. I was irritated and I just wanted to be with my family and friends without everyone making me feel like I should break down.
I was a mess.
But more than ever, all I wanted to be was strong, because I knew that I was not the one at fault. He was. He was the one who did not want me anymore and I should not feel like I am a problem. But that was the problem. I was trying very hard to be strong and when I broke down I just crashed.
Slowly, everything started becoming too much. I had to move out of the apartment I shared with him. I felt like he was kicking me out and I looked at my life and I saw nothing. I saw nothingness. What was I to do?
I had nothing, zilch...
Life will just humble you.
You spend five years of your life giving so much of yourself to someone else thinking that they will be there forever. But there is something about life that we keep forgetting as humans, you only have control over your own actions and nothing you do or say will make someone stay with you.
This is when the suicidal thoughts took over me.
I looked at my life and that was it. It meant nothing without him. Think five years with someone and they are not dead, they have just chosen to continue their journey with someone else. How do you piece the parts of your life together when they were your life?
I had all the handouts from my sister. A bed, sound system, bed sheets; and my sister on the side saying "it is good that you took nothing, you shouldn't take anything from that man just start all over". How could I take anything when I had nothing.
It is strange how when everything is all cherry and blossoms, everything is "ours", but when shit goes down you are nothing to him. He will not care. Why should he be obliged?
I then put my energies into work. Something had to be right in my life, just one thing I always said.
I was lucky to have been part of a team that was supportive, but mostly a manager who treated me like his own little sister. When I told him what happened between my ex and me, he wanted to punch him in the face.
My team was the best. Everyone seemed to understand and were ready to take every single step with me. But some how although I was encouraging myself to keep moving and live without my ex, bad things just kept happening.
Before I left my job, my work laptop was taken from my car. Car jamming or whatever you call it. I burst into tears when this happened. When I think back to that moment I break down, not because of what happened but because I keep realising how no one gives a shit about you in this world. You take something that belongs to someone else not knowing what they are going through. And you think it is right? God I hate crime.
What I went through after that one occurrence made me more determined to just end my life.
I was already broke from moving out of my ex's apartment and my car payments were just too much, family also; there was just not enough money, and now the company I work for will be taking money from the little money I had. I had decided. I am going to quit my job spend the little money I have and kill myself. I remember how that was just a joke.
But then I just sunk into an even deeper hole when I learned that Thami* had someone else, another girl, another woman had stolen the heart that I believed will forever be mine. Wow!
Five years of a relationship for what?
I think through all of this I remember saying to myself 'Why am I the only one breaking through this?' He was moving on with his life. He is moving on with his life.... I hated the response my mind gave me although my heart kept saying 'no he still loves you'. My mind was very clear 'he never loved you'.
Tears kept streaming down and all I could hear everyday was the beating of my heart thump thump thump.
No matter how many times people say 'move on' I could not. I want to know why it is right for another human being to waste your time like that. Why spend five years with someone and promise them the moon and the sun, only to leave them with an empty shell?
Yoh I cried. I have cried through all of this.
But what pushed me to the edge?
It was not my ex Thami*, it was not my previous job that is still charging me for the laptop that was taken from my car, no. It was me. I pushed myself over the edge.
I looked in the mirror and I could not recognise me. I hated myself.
I considered myself weak for even giving this human being a chance to break me like this. How dare you Sindy? You are so weak. I physically and mentally abused myself. I drank, I took drugs; I threw myself on the floor, cut myself. Any work I did, all I could hear is "you are so stupid' and 'you cannot do anything right'. I believed this voice in my head.
No matter how many times people uttered you are beautiful to me. It quickly translated to a 'you are so ugly' and I believed it.
Oh but it got worse.
There is a day in my life that I do not quite remember well. This is the day that the physical me completely drifted away from the mental me. All I could remember and still remember is the pain between my thighs and bits of memories which include the sound of a condom wrapper and a guy sweating on top of me.
I remember my mind completely shutting down as I tried to convince myself that it could not have happened. Even the guy denied it, saying why would he do such a thing. As I write this, I still shy away from what truly happened.
I remember asking myself 'do I hate myself so much that I can put myself in such danger?'.
All the alcohol and drugs could not take away the betrayal I was feeling and I knew the only way to escape was to just remove myself from this world.
I was ready.
You need to know something as you read this, there is never a small enough reason to want to kill yourself. If you want to kill yourself I would understand. I have been there and when I think about those moments, all I remember is how my heart was beating and how I could not stop the tears from flooding. So much was happening and I just wanted it to end.
The moment I took those pills, one by one, I thought about everything I have gone through in life. From being bullied, taken advantage of, called ugly, heartbroken, embarrassed... and now even raped; it all just made sense to me. I believed we should be allowed to make the decision to end all the suffering if we want to.
Then it happened.
As I was getting drowsy and losing all the feeling in the tips of my fingers, I remembered the most beautiful things playing in my mind. I remember a young girl playing on the backseat of a car and screaming her lungs out to her mother when she saw her dream school "mommy, that is where I am going to study one day". I was just 10 years old. At 19 I went to study at that place.
I also remembered a girl who helped a stranger find a home. I was 14 and on my way to school every day I would give this homeless guy food. I don't remember why I had started, but every night when my mom dished up for us I would lay a plate out for the man and I would pack his food with a drink, and drop the food off before school. My mom caught on to what I was doing and she spoke to some social workers who helped the man find a home. I remember being so proud of myself despite the criticism from family members who then encouraged my mother to find me transport, all for my safety. But it did not matter who said what or how they felt. It just made me feel really good inside to know I made another human being feel good about themselves.
In that moment of flashing memories, I took that same ideal of helping others and I put it into my previous relationship. I loved with all my heart. I loved without expecting anything. Nothing at all. So why the tears now? Why am I killing myself because of another person? Wait? Why? It actually made no sense why I wanted to kill myself.
I dragged myself to my phone and I dialed whoever I could and all I could say was 'please help me'. I was desperate, and I could feel life leaving me, but I was not going to let go because I love me. You have to love yourself enough to accept that you are not what other people want. You have to love yourself enough to take in the disappointment and move on. You have to love yourself enough to treasure your own life.
I pushed myself to throw up as many pills as I could. 'I have to live' are the words I said to myself before I passed out. When I woke up at the hospital the next day, all I could say was, I am sorry Sindy. I am so sorry.
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