She Remembers it too well

Even though he annoyed her, she remembers him all too well. When the door opens, the wind blows in with the memory of his smile. She always wonders though, why is it that even after all the bad that he did, she remembers all the good things as though they were happening right now?  All the times he bought her flowers, she wished so much she could keep them forever, more especially the first one he got for her. It was a yellow sunflower in a blue plastic bag, smelling all muddy as though it was stolen from someone’s yard. It was funny and cute, but also the beginning of something great and she felt it.

She remembers lying beside him on their first day alone together, no words needed to be said; but there was this feeling of passion surrounding them, and she knew she was meant to be there. Nevertheless, she wishes that she did not remember it all too well.

There is nothing sadder in life than lingering on to something that can never be again. All it creates is pain. You wish so much that you could fall down somewhere, hit your head and get amnesia but “only forget that specific moment” she wishes. She wakes up in the early mornings from dreaming of him. He is there and she is there, and they are laughing and loving. Is she cursed? Why can’t anything else in life make her feel the way he made her feel or even more? Even when she cries because of what she lost she still feels the love growing. I asked her once “Why not just call him?” "Call him?!" She replied sarcastically, but the look on her face said ‘I hate him with all my heart’ but she replied “there is nothing more painful in life than being reprimanded for being honest”.

I see her struggling every day. It seems as though she has associated everything in her life with the thought of him. Days, months, television channels; and the constant annoyance of family members bringing him up! Why can’t she just forget everything? Was it wrong of her to introduce him when she felt they were going to spend the rest of their lives together? "You feel love when it’s right and forever right? Or was it just gullibility?" she asks, mournfully. She always mentions how she wishes she did not ever meet him. Introducing him to her family created more complication than what was intended.

She remembers the day they were sitting on his family's couch and they started touching each other under the blankets, she chuckles at the reminiscence. She cannot celebrate New Year’s Day without crying and remembering the love they made that night. 

She remembers it all too well. 

"He wasn’t the friendliest person" she says. There was always something about him that screamed “I am Zulu and I don’t efen care” but she admired that. It always made her feel like she was dating one of Shaka Zulu’s warriors. It was hilarious. She loved it when he appreciated the things she did. She loved the way he responded to the surprise dinner prepared for him. He just glowed with happiness, and how could she forget the sweet love they made after.

Was it the day she chatted with his friend that things got messed up? “I was not insecure” she sobs with tears streaming from her eyes. But she did fear the idea of him ever hurting her. I guess the constant thought of him hurting her is what led to the heartbreak. “It’s sad how now it seems like it was only tragic love” she says.

I look at her now and I see how much she wishes she could forget. It’s long gone, but as she goes through the pain of the memories, I ruminate as though I experienced it as well. Every thought she speaks of, every tear that drops from regrets or feelings of inferiority, I feel it.

She left him because she felt like her love for him was not enough to keep him happy. She always tells me how she believes that her job when they were together was to experience true love, "but unfortunately it was not for me to keep" she says. 

The love she had in the beginning when they started seemed to just vanish. She lived her days with him, the way she thought he wanted, but that only led to him to calling her obsessed. She lost friends because of him, she let go of opportunities because of him. But when she escaped him, she not only had to sacrifice losing him, but she also sacrifice losing her soul. From hopes, to belief in the dreams she had. Now day by day she is trying to pick herself up.

She tells me that at some point she tried to get back, because it was scary to be without him. "As long as I loved him, it did not matter that he didn’t right?" she says sobbing.  But he pushed her away and called her names. She did not stop, instead she kept on persisting trying to get him back.

“He is married now” she tells me. She tries not to cry as she says “he bragged to me about it”. I almost cry. She tells me how memories of the days he promised he would marry her haunt her, and after that she can’t help but burst into tears.

 She remembers it all too well.  

But I admire her; she put his happiness above her own. She did not feel like she was doing her best, and paved the way for him to find someone better. From her story, I learned that love is about being completely selfless. Now after a long time she tells me “Nothing else in life makes me happier than knowing that I once loved someone more than I love myself”. 

She remembers it all too well.