I want to Grow up

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"Today I want to grow up. I want to stop entertaining people who find pleasure in popping back in my life just to stop me from being happy. Today I want to grow up because I want to feel the pleasures of responsibility. Today I want to grow up and stop dwelling on the past and wondering why things happened the way they did. I made choices I made decisions and today it is time to live by them and because of them." By Yolanda Zondo.

I often feel like I have absolutely no control over my life. I watch people and I see them moving forward and I ask myself "what have you done Yolanda?". Here I am still pushing to get a degree I could have received a year ago but I did not. Why? Because I did not feel I could do it. Life is so funny. You think you have a handle of things but you don't. There is this thing called 'fear' but we never see it we only feel it. Why are we so scared of something we cannot even see? Why am I so scared of something I cannot even see? I want to grow out of that cocoon  and just fight it off. I know I am capable of so much but I am afraid. Afraid of myself. Afraid that I can be truly great.

I learned something great today. I learned to share my problems with people so that they can critically evaluate the situation. I spoke to a friend of mine Tsebo and at that moment we both needed someone to talk to. He explained to me just how he feels pressured, he feels like he is stuck doing something because of the survival of his family. I began to realise that I was in the same boat, though unlike him I have a family that can still cope without me, though they also await the day I start working. Growing up makes such things arise, you did not go to school just to have a pretty degree, you are at school in hopes that when you graduate you will get a better job. Now my situation was much different from Tsebo's, I mentioned to him of how I did not quite feel adequate. I believe that I could do so much but I am holding myself back. I want more. Writing has always been my dream, having people read my work was even a bigger dream and even though my work is not read by the whole world, I like knowing that 2000 people have seen my work and that for me is achievement. But I do not want to do this forever, I want to be much more. That is when I told him about another career I want to get into. His support and words of wisdom opened my eyes and made me stop feeling embarrassed about the possibility of still studying at the age of 25.

Education is forever and that is something that you can never grow out of. Realising this, kind of makes me feel grown up. Yes, I want to grow up. Though I think I will take this on one day at a time. There is still so much to learn, so much to do and feel and experience, and each moment should not be rushed.

I see so much brightness in my life...and I will repeat what I learned this passed week "i don't know what the future brings, but today i know a lot of things. like the fact that i have a great family and great friends, a man who loves me as much as i love him and i got good education... so i am going to focus on today, and whatever comes i will handle it... that simple!" Yes, THAT SIMPLE.... 

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