This Rain
I woke up at two am this morning I saw it was wet outside but I never heard it rain. My head was pounding from this staggering headache and all I wanted to do was take my Ibupains and just get back to sleeping. But I do not remember if I really was sleeping. I was in bed, I had my eyes closed but my mind was racing with thoughts. I wondered how I lived my life, that all it did is lead to this hurtful moment. I am shaking my head and in my mind I keep wondering if I truly am a bad person. I never did anything to ever hurt anyone. I go through life always giving people my all because I always want to be remembered for something. But what if all I will be remembered for is my apparently sweet lips and a cold heart?
I have always been the type to put people first.Even people I do not know. I would stop and help an old lady with her groceries or a six year old cross the road. I am the type that was raised to always greet my elders with compassion and keep quiet when elders are talking. I am that type of person. I am not necessarily great. I have weaknesses and flaws that can never be ignored. Recently I started sleep walking, I have terrible dreams and I sometimes wake up crying. Even when I type my work I cry because it is like a flash of memories for me. I have lied a whole lot of times. I have lied to protect myself, i have lied in an attempt to get someone back, I have lied with a straight face and hell I have also lied to myself. I am that type of person. Though I cannot shake off the thoughts brought on by this rain.
This rain feels like a moment when all the bad we have done gets washed away. I feel so much sorrow with today's rain I wish I had seen when it began raining. It reminds me of the time I was walking back from school on a really heavy raining afternoon. I had been given money to take a taxi back home but I hated having to get in a taxi with my big bag and being reminded of my hunched back, my English nose and how I am still a virgin, so I opted walking back home. As I was walking back, I spent the entire time formulating a story that I was going to tell my aunt, but when I got there I just told her the truth and all she did was remind me of how beautiful I am. Though I still cannot shake off the thoughts brought on by this rain.
This rain makes me cry. It makes me wonder if I truly am a good person. When I help children from my hood with their English and Maths home works it reminds me of the very moment when I knew that I couldn't be a teacher. Yes! I do love children, but I love them far too much to discipline them. I can only teach but kids also need guidance. The day I quit wanting to be a teacher I was frustrated and did not understand what my supervisor meant when she said "You need to guide and discipline these kids". All the way home I kept thinking "who do you think guided or disciplined me... Well, I guided myself and I disciplined myself, all I had was supervision. No mother to tell me not to touch the hotplate because it might be hot and no father to tell me not to eat plastic because I might choke on it lol. Funny moments, but I learned all that by myself. I was far too free-spirited to teach anyone. This actually reminds me of the time I nearly burnt my face with paraffin. I was so reluctant to make fire that day, all I wanted was to work on my L.O book. I had no interest that I poured paraffin all over the wood and when I threw the match in, if it wasn't for my cousin I probably wouldn't have a face lol.
This rain, its making me reminisce a lot. This rain feels so much like my tears.
I think I will just head back to bed and just sleep.
I have always been the type to put people first.Even people I do not know. I would stop and help an old lady with her groceries or a six year old cross the road. I am the type that was raised to always greet my elders with compassion and keep quiet when elders are talking. I am that type of person. I am not necessarily great. I have weaknesses and flaws that can never be ignored. Recently I started sleep walking, I have terrible dreams and I sometimes wake up crying. Even when I type my work I cry because it is like a flash of memories for me. I have lied a whole lot of times. I have lied to protect myself, i have lied in an attempt to get someone back, I have lied with a straight face and hell I have also lied to myself. I am that type of person. Though I cannot shake off the thoughts brought on by this rain.
This rain feels like a moment when all the bad we have done gets washed away. I feel so much sorrow with today's rain I wish I had seen when it began raining. It reminds me of the time I was walking back from school on a really heavy raining afternoon. I had been given money to take a taxi back home but I hated having to get in a taxi with my big bag and being reminded of my hunched back, my English nose and how I am still a virgin, so I opted walking back home. As I was walking back, I spent the entire time formulating a story that I was going to tell my aunt, but when I got there I just told her the truth and all she did was remind me of how beautiful I am. Though I still cannot shake off the thoughts brought on by this rain.
This rain makes me cry. It makes me wonder if I truly am a good person. When I help children from my hood with their English and Maths home works it reminds me of the very moment when I knew that I couldn't be a teacher. Yes! I do love children, but I love them far too much to discipline them. I can only teach but kids also need guidance. The day I quit wanting to be a teacher I was frustrated and did not understand what my supervisor meant when she said "You need to guide and discipline these kids". All the way home I kept thinking "who do you think guided or disciplined me... Well, I guided myself and I disciplined myself, all I had was supervision. No mother to tell me not to touch the hotplate because it might be hot and no father to tell me not to eat plastic because I might choke on it lol. Funny moments, but I learned all that by myself. I was far too free-spirited to teach anyone. This actually reminds me of the time I nearly burnt my face with paraffin. I was so reluctant to make fire that day, all I wanted was to work on my L.O book. I had no interest that I poured paraffin all over the wood and when I threw the match in, if it wasn't for my cousin I probably wouldn't have a face lol.
This rain, its making me reminisce a lot. This rain feels so much like my tears.
I think I will just head back to bed and just sleep.
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