I just felt like writing

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Sometimes I wish I could write something without it making sense. No matter how many times I write I never feel that I have done enough. Life also feels that way. You live your life thinking that the choices you make, the decisions you take will only lead to something great. But what, when people do not see things the way you see them? Or there is never an explanation for why you do things? Lately I have felt rather disconnected to what I use to believe is my everything. My family! The things I d

o and where I am today is because of them. I fight hard because I always know I will have them backing me and making me feel that whatever happens you still ours. But I feel so pressured now. I am so scared to see my family. There is no patience and I am all alone. None of them are backing me up, all of them wish I had chosen another decision instead of the one I chose. I chose what makes me happy. I chose what I wanted. And I wont give up until I get it. No matter how long it takes me or who is with me, I will remain true to myself.

Recently I lost a friend. I often listen to Cher Lloys 'Love me for me' and I convince myself that the decision I made regarding the friendship was the right one. I could have set down and told her how I feel, I could have written her a later if talking was not possible. But instead I just went on and broke the friendship. See I am the type of person who expects people to notice when something is wrong and that is exactly what I did in this situation. I realised how I was not a friend to this person anymore I was merely someone they could use in certain expects. Like reminding of classes they need to attend, days when we write exams or when to get notes. If it happened once I would not have been in this dilemma, but it was continuous. When we were walking together I never felt like I was walking with a friend. It always felt cold and as though I had to keep talking about anything so that the moment was not so still that the awkwardness arises. After she had accused me of so many things I began to realise that she did not trust me, and it took me a while to get over it and I hoped I was over it. But I could never be over it. No relationship can last without trust. I know I made the right decision.

Although life is complex and sometimes sanity never comes, there is some pleasure in watching other people live. Seeing them from a distance and wondering what they thinking. And then you wonder if people wonder if you are thinking, crazy huh? lol.

I don't know. Today I just wanted to let my fingers do the typing. And with the way my life is going I only look forward to the future with a smile. When I am down I just want to sit down and type anything, even if it does not make sense to you.

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