True Love

My parents never got married but I have always believed in true love because of my late grandmother and grandfather who would’ve been married for 61 years this year. My grandfather and grandmother met in the year 1944. My grandmother was 18 years old and my grandfather was 28. They dated for seven years before getting married and they had 8 children together even though my grandfather had come into the relationship with an illegitimate child. ‘Through the trials and tribulations they encountered as a couple; whether it being ex’s, family, cheating, finance, apartheid etc; they grew as a couple because of what they called the foundation of patience to consider each other as true lovers for eternity’. As I listen to my aunt tell me this story, I look at my life and I think will I ever inspire my children to tell my story to my grandkids? I have been in two relationships already and in both instances I thought the guys were my soul mates or the love of my life or ‘yay! My true love’ I once said. I look back on both relationships and I am proud.

Today, our generation believes that true love is defined by the amount of money your partner showers you with, it is about how much sex your partner gives you or how soon he or she introduces you to their family or  how many times they say sorry for something useless. It is a whole lot of stuff that has nothing to do with love being true. For a while I have wanted to write about this topic but I did not understand what my aunt meant when she said “go through a sunny day with your boyfriend and go back again, and go through a stormy day with him and stick by him and then go back again”. I would wake up every single day and try to figure out the best way to write this without sounding naive, so here it goes. Relationships are very difficult, if you have a hidden agenda such as wanting sex, money or just to ruin someone’s life trust me you will not find that true love. If you are all about rushing and not taking a moment to find out what makes your partner happy or sad, and using them as some kind of ‘make me look good honey’ person you will not find that true love. You need to be ready to put yourself out there, demons and all, and be willing to accept demons and all from the person you are with. It will take a while, because when you entitle someone as your true love you must be understanding. I am not an expert at love at all, especially after my two stumbles in the past 3 years. 

When my first boyfriend told me that he got an opportunity to go to Germany for three years and here we are already struggling to make the relationship work with this Cape Town and Johannesburg distance. I was not happy at all when he told me, but as a girlfriend I was happy for him but mostly supportive. However, what did not please me was the idea of having to make it work with this even longer distance. I knew in my heart that this was a challenge we would have to get through in order for both of us to get through even bigger trials. Nevertheless, we began to plan that I would visit as often as I can when he makes it that side; What is three years anyway? I was 19 and he was 23 years old, and what young black female wouldn't love the idea of having to travel to Germany every year just for leisure? ME! I was not up for it and I did not want to be a burden at all. I had to get myself out of the picture. Here was an opportunity, a girlfriend you only see three times in a year when in Cape Town, now you're going to Germany and you're only going to see her once. I was not ready for the cheating, for the depression and the wondering, I just wanted him to go for it. So yes, I dumped him. At that moment I knew that man could have been my true love; all I needed to do was be patient. But patience is not my strongest trait; at all.

I got into my second relationship 6 months after that, and for me it was a new beginning and a chance to stick to my new boyfriend and show him how much I want that chance at true love. I took out the big guns and I introduced my ‘new boyfriend’ to my family just to show him how much I want this. However, as much as people say that showing is better than telling, I feel that communication in a relationship is vital. People do not read minds. Nevertheless, I was in this new relationship and determined to do things differently. However, communication between my new boyfriend and I wasn't


 there, at all. I was most afraid of expressing myself in that relationship because I often wondered ‘what will he think?’I had already been through so much in the past 19 years and I had some of my demons to face off, as well as my little habits such as crying for no reason or hurting myself with a pen or just being afraid of the dark at the age of 20. I was afraid this man would look at me and think “PSYCHO”.

As much as communication is important, in order for you to be able to open up to another person he or she must also be open. With my Cape Town ex boyfriend we spoke every day. He was a talkative guy and we never ran out of things to talk about, he knew things about me that I was afraid of talking about with other people. Our only barrier, even though I could personally consider it as an advantage for us at times was just the distance. Yes! We fought, broke up once every now and then but at the same time we grew stronger and any chance we got to see each other it was beautiful. While with my current ex, we were an impeccable couple to my family and friends but behind closed doors I spent so much time trying to talk, because there is only so much you can learn about a person through their actions. But in time I felt as though I was forcing him to open up and then I stopped opening up too. I gave up. Impatience once again took over me. 

Honestly, I suck at patience. Even the woman who raised me once said to me ‘baby girl, you give up too soon,’ but I am learning. Above everything else, whether it is communication, loyalty, trust, sex and all, you must be patient to find that ‘true love’. It can show up any day. The trick is ‘how long you stay’. I wondered how a lot of women do it and men too. Then it hit me. Love can come any day, and for it to grow into true love you need a foundation known as ‘patience’ and above patience you get things like communication, understanding, trust, support, caring, sharing, compromise gee you get my point. When you are confident about what you have put out and what is being given, you can sit back and await trials. Trials can come in forms of ‘exes’, baby ‘mamas’ or ‘daddies’ or just simple trials brought on by fate. When they come, do not rush into trying to win the trial. Be patient, talk about it, understand what it is and what brought it on and I assure you, you will be laughing and saying “I have found my true love”.