It's all in the kiss (A short Story)

Growing up is hard. Even more so, being a girl is depressing. I am not getting into a relationship with a guy ever again. Finally the letter I have been waiting for. “I regret to inform you that your NSFAS application has not been successful……” WHAT?! I reread the letter again. I did not expect this news. After all that I have been through in the past few months, I did not expect getting into 2012 to be so heartbreaking. What the hell God?! I cannot breathe, awe my gosh! What am I going to say to my mother? What am I going to do this year? That one year I felt like everything was going to work out well but now I am stuck. I never thought my life would turn out this way. I had been through the worst of things and right now as I am laying on my bed, clinging on to that letter that changed the whole course of my life I cannot stop crying. 2012, I got into this year excited that I was going to be doing my final year at varsity. At the end I could apply for the Media24 internship, my dream job, and I would have no worries. There was a time I wished for marriage and children, a family, but now I do not want that at all. In fact, I think I will try to be a lesbian. I cannot see how another girl would break my heart, right? Awe! I am being so foolish.

“And then?” my sister Patronel walks in me bedroom in shock of the darkness. She turns on the light, oh gosh! It burns I think to myself. “You’ve been crying?” she asks. What is up with people and rhetorical questions? Of course I am crying, my whole life has ended! I don’t say it but show it with the look in my eyes. I show her the letter and I have to wonder, was that a smirk I saw. “Shame! You will be fine” she claims and then she leaves some of my clothes and walks out of my room. Shame? you will be fine? With that smirk. I have known that my sister is jealous, particularly because I am the first at home to have had the chance to go to university, but this?I have to do something to get back to school. I wasn’t exactly excluded.
 I just need funding. How much is the registration again?

My name is Nkanyezi Velaphi, 22 years old and it is the 31st of December and instead of preparing to go somewhere and “Ngidle ubusha bami (Enjoy your youth)” as they say, I am washing the cupboards and going to paint the toilet outside. At least my best friend Lerato is coming over with her son, my Godson Kev. Later on we will all get into 2013 happy. However, I am still amazed that she had a child before me. I thought we were going to have babies at the same time. Hell I thought we were going to do everything together. But as you grow up, all the naive best friend talking is changed by the unexpected life occurrences. But I am glad I still have Lerato as my best friend. 

<Beep> I have become so unattached to my phone, I am always shocked when I receive a message. Whatsapp? hmm. These numbers seem so familiar to me. I wont be surprised if it another ex. Not really sure if I should consider all the guys I engaged in one month relationships of just touching and kissing as an ex. As the year 2012 progressed after I had mentioned that I do not want a man in my life, I somehow became so lonely that I settled for just any guy. Any man who was willing to treat me well, any guy who managed to make me smile once or twice maybe. Sad though, making someone smile can only last for so long if the guy is terrible at kissing.

I recall Anele, really funny guy. I met him on Facebook and I always loved how he gave me attention. He commented on the status I put up with such passion and understanding. Then one day he sent me an inbox message on Facebook wanting to do some private chatting on BBM.. I was flattered and obviously did not hesitate. I went through his Facebook profile and realised that he is from Durban. Yep! That city in Kwa-Zulu Natal. I was heartbroken for a moment. I wanted someone who was closer so I could see him whenever I wanted to. And Yes! I am already thinking he might ask me out. I had assumed just like me he was seeing the common things we shared. I wanted to know him as much as I assumed he wanted to know me. We liked each other instantly. I loved how every morning I always got that “Sawubona MaVelaphi (Hello MaVelaphi)” messages on bbm or sometimes when I am out of BIS he would send me a text. Nevertheless, as the months went by without meeting but dating on BBM and on the phone, his messages became tedious and predictable. Some days I would pray to God asking him to get Anele to dump me but it just seemed like Anele became more and more happy. Then when we met, I thought this is it. I had travelled all the way from Johannesburg to Durban to meet this man but then <BOOM> he is a terrible kisser. Who ever lied and said biting peoples lips is sexy? I kept thinking to myself ‘Why?’ Ahh… I was smacking myself on the inside thinking ‘I could HAVE fixed my laptop with the money I spent on this trip’ Damn! But then I tried so much to fake a smile and enjoy the weekend, after that weekend, all I wanted to do was get home and dump him. 

One of the most hardest things I ever had to do as a girl. Dump a nice guy.However, I eventually did it. I had to. I couldn’t see myself wanting to marry this guy or have babies with him. Even with the many times people said to me ‘Teach him how to kiss’, but I couldn’t feel him. I found myself lying to Anele during the course of our relationship. I had hoped he would cheat or stop calling me but it never happened. Truth was, I did not love him and I did not want to love him. It was just nice having him in my life. Now I understood what some men mean when they say some women are just liars. Now I guess we all know it is the circumstances some women find themselves in. I hope wherever Anele is, he is happy and with someone who truly loves him in return.

All this rejection towards other men and the unwillingness to let them in was because of what happened in 2011. Here I am again, holding on to that one last thing I viewed as hope that the man I thought loved me will come back to me. I had one decision to make, either I continue holding on and get into the new year 2013 still hoping that what was lost in 2011 will be resolved or I can throw it away and accept that we were just never meant to be. This ring is the only thing I kept from my last relationship. I remember finding out that it was just plastic after I had tried to pawn and listening to this man tell me how my ex fooled me. I had never felt so stupid. That memory along with others added on to the decision I made. I stopped cleaning the cupboard and went to my room and I dug it out. I took the ring out and looked at it for the last time and I laughed at myself. Laughed because of the wasted time. Laughed because I spent months going back and forth trying to convince myself that this is what I deserve. Laughed with tears in my eyes for getting it all wrong. But no more. I then put the ring in a red plastic bag and in the bin it went, waiting for the garbage truck. The whole morning I waited and waited for the sound of that tractor. After it came and gone, I felt lighter and more ready to get into 2013.